Everything I'm Not, Made Me Everything I Am
I have no doubt that at various points in your career you have been encouraged to identify and harness your values and understanding of purpose. Whether it was Marcus Buckingham, Brené Brown, or a chino wearing consultant telling you to find ‘your true north’, the dominant message is - find your values, and walk out the rest of your life with greater clarity for the decisions you need to make.
It is wonderful advice, and something I believe all professionals should do. But often, and increasingly as you progress into leadership, it becomes more commonplace to find clashes and conflicts between the values you have identified and fostered.
People don’t talk about this enough.
Decision making can be hard, and made even more difficult when you find yourself choosing between options that are both ostensibly backed by a cherished value. One simple example of this is something researchers call the 'bread-winner's bind'. It highlights the ease at which great values can find themselves in conflict with each other. The bread-winner's bind describes the tension that occurs when someone's values cause them to work hard to provide for the family they love, but in doing so, makes them absent from the family they love.
These are not simple things to work through. When we are younger no one tells us that our values might find themselves in opposition to each other from time to time.
While prioritising values and ranking them can be a good starting point, there is another simple activity that I can recommend. While it will not prevent value-clashes, it might help to inform you on what to do when you experience them.
I call it a 'To Don't List'.
Many people have a ‘To Do List’, along with laundry lists of what they want in and from life, but most do not have a list of things they don’t want, or a lucid understanding of things they are unwilling to compromise on.
Without a 'To Don't List', it is easier for people to find themselves compromising on things that really matter to them, or over time, slowly and unintentionally moving away from their highest sense of purpose.
Here are a few questions that might serve as you consider your ‘To Don’t List’:
- Where do you NOT want to be in 12 months’ time?
- What work and tasks do you NOT want to be doing in the coming year?
- What do you NOT want in your closest relationships?
- What are you non-negotiables with regards to your work and personal life?
These may seem simple and trite, but as Kanye West might remind us, “everything I’m not, made me everything I am”. Who we choose not to be is as shaping of our lives and behaviours as who we choose to be.
As a little more food for thought, consider that Michael Jordan once turned down a $100million appearance fee, because the nature of the engagement was firmly on his “To Don’t List”. Yes, one hundred, million, dollars. You can read about that here.
In case you were wondering, I honour and cherish the work of both Marcus and Brené. I am better for their work.
- Phill Nosworthy